You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
