Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
You ever have a fart follow you around?
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