I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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