her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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