this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
