I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
He felt like a one man threesome
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Randomize
