you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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