you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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