Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize
