I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
