he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
