I can't watch pbs sober anymore
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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