Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
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