Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
