There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
