Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize