Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
I think my moral compass just broke
Randomize
