get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
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