It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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