If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize
