I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
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