I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
