saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Randomize
