When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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