About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
People in love make me want to vomit
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
