i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
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