Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Randomize
