I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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