I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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