I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
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