So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Randomize
