What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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