i was born a porn star she said
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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