New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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