A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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