I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
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