Kareoke will never be a sober sport
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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