Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
