You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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