He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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