I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
