Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
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