I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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