the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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