I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
So here I am, sexting at work.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
