He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
