she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Quick, to the slutcave!
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
