my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
