i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Randomize