nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
