It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Less talking, more tequila
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
