i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
