Don't you send me to vm
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Randomize
