WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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