I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize