My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
