did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
